There has been entirely to much on my mind and after making a blog I figure why not use it to let off some steam coming from my head, so here it goes…
The obvious, I have not yet clicked back to my old self, I don’t feel as personable with people, I don’t feel as if I am myself in a class setting and I don’t think I have been giving the 100% that I usually do. The reason- I have recently just dealt with a death in the family, and to me this was not an ordinary passing away, this was not a grandparent that passed from old age, this was a little girl, 3 years old, who was beautiful, energetic, and had a smile that would melt your heart.
My 3 year old cousin, Arden, was diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma last October ( one month before her 3rd birthday). When I got this phone call while I was at school I of course panicked because this is the last thing you want to hear, especially for a child to have to go through this. I made my best effort to come home and see her more often, and every time I saw her we became closer and made a connection that never failed to warm my heart.
The very first time I saw her in the hospital she played with my jewelry, she ate her lunch with me…which was a big deal since no one else could get her to eat that day, and I never wanted to leave her side, I wanted to give her the world, and I wanted to know that she was okay, and that she was going to be okay in the long run. I wanted to run outside with her, I wanted to show her my tiny dog, the one she lit up about every time I would show her a picture. I wanted so much for her, and I admired her for her strength, and the ability to put a on a smile even while in a hospital. She had charisma, she was adorable, she was my cousin, she was Arden.
This past summer I was helping out her family (her mom stayed at the hospital during the week, her husband worked and then went in on the weekends, and all the while they have an 18month old boy who I was watching) During the time I stayed there Arden was able to come home for a 2 week period and I was never happier to see her up and about and able to play (as much as she could handle at this point) I played dress up with her, we read books together, she was excited that I was there with her, she was able to do some of the things that she had missed doing while in the hospital.
Recently (for about the past month) Arden was not doing well in the hospital. Medication after medication to fix one problem after the next, she was sedated and was not breathing on her own. I saw her for the last time in the hospital right before I came back to school and I believed that she was going to be okay and pull through because she is that tough. I believed her mom when she hugged me and told me that it was okay, Arden was okay.
On August 30th, 8:34 pm, Arden took her last breath, and I have never hated cancer more in my life, I hated it for defeating her and stealing another life. I understood before what an awful, terrible, evil thing it is, but I have never had anyone directly effected and now that I have it is hard to put into words what I feel about it. My heart goes out to anyone that has had to watch a loved one go through chemo, stem cell transplants, hospital visits and the constant watch of your body to make sure this demon does not overcome you.
I have never cried harder in my life when I heard the news about Arden. I couldn’t breath and didn’t want to move from the puddle that surrounded me. I don’t want to believe that this happened, and it is hard to come to terms with everything going on. I am sad, I am angry, I am confused and distraught, I feel guilty and selfish. I know that she is in a better place, out of pain and I know she is playing with all the other angels that surround her, but I wanted so much for her to be okay, I wanted her to have a childhood and grow up and have this as a darker memory pushed aside.
I sit here now with tears in my eyes, but look up to see a picture of her staring back at me, smiling and showing me that life is more precious then we will ever know. Her funeral service was beautiful, with more then 300 people coming to show their support, and a church surrounded with memories of Arden Quinn Bucher…
